Chances (Chapter Seventeen)

Recommended music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPhjf30NqC8

XVII.  Meeting Again

Devon and Illian were walking side by side on the way home. It was almost midnight. Their dinner date which started at seven o’clock, lasted through a couple of cups of coffee and a walk in the park.  It was already midnight, when they decided to go home.

Illian is sweet, Devon thought catching a glimpse of the guy who is quietly walking beside her. But I only met him yesterday. She smiled at the thought, she is not the person who would normally go out with a guy she just randomly met. But then, with James… Her thought trailed, her brows creased. 

“You did not enjoy the night?” Illian asked her.

She was surprised with the question, “What made you think that I didn’t,” she asked back.

“Well, your forehead creased and you frowned,” Illian demonstrated what she did.

Devon smiled. “I just remembered something.”

Illian nodded, “And that something is?”

Well, I have to come clean, Devon thought. “An ex-boyfriend.”

“Aah,” Illian said and nodded.  He did not say anything. Devon did not bother continue explaining. 

They kept walking until they reached Devon’s apartment door. Devon smiled and faced Illian, “Thank you so much, for a wonderful dinner.”

“It was nothing,” Illian said, smiling back. “I had a great time, too.”

Devon said goodnight and started to get into the house.  Illian was carefully watching her. He cleared his throat and Devon looked back at him.

“Can you go out with me again,” he asked.  It was a great night with Devon, and he wanted more than just one date.  He wanted to know more about her.

Devon looked at Illian, seriously thinking. I gave it a shot, one date. Am I willing to take another step?

Illian interrupted her thoughts, “I’m going to be honest with you. I had a blast. You’re funny and easy to talk to. I don’t know if you feel the same way. But I really wanted to know more about you. I like you.”

Devon was speechless and she does not know what to say. It’s very rare that a man would be that straightforward with her. Well, except James. The thought angered her.  There were already two instances that she kept thinking “except James.”  It’s about time she takes him out of her mind. He is no longer an exception. 

“Well,” Devon started. “I’m pretty busy this week, but maybe I can make some time.”  Devon took Illian’s phone from his hand and started to punch into the keypad.  Illian was looking curiously at her.  “I already saved my cell and home phone number.”  After typing on the keying in her number, she dropped in into Illian’s shirt pocket.

Illian broke into a wide smile and took Devon’s hands. “You have no idea, how happy you made me.”

Devon smiled, “Don’t exaggerate.  I only agreed to go out with you more.”

Illian laughed and dropped a quick kiss on her cheek and said goodnight. “Bye,” Devon smiled and waved to Illian before she walked inside her house.

Am I really ready for this, Devon thought. She saw Yen and Freya, with Bren, sitting on the living room. Obviously waiting for her and to tell them what happened. She looked at her friends.  She thought of her family.  They were all worried about her. Somehow she needs to let them feel that she’s okay.  Well, you’re not going to lose anything.

She put on a smile before she walked towards her friends.

****

“I can’t believe it,” Yen reacted while sitting on the couch, watching Devon while fixing herself in front of the mirror.

“What?” Devon asked.

“That you’ve been going out with Illian for almost month,” Yen answered.

Devon paused and looked at the mirror. A month, Devon thought. We’ve been exclusively dating for that long?  “You’re keeping count?” Devon asked Yen jokingly.

Freya joined in the conversation, “It’s not that we’re trying to keep you from dating, but, we kind of surprised.”

Devon sighed. “Why do have to get worried? If I don’t go out, you worry about me. And now, I’m trying to enjoy, you’re still worried about me.”

Freya and Yen looked at each other. “We just want to make sure that you’re doing this, because you want to. Not because you have to,” Yen told her gently.

“Illian is a great guy,” Devon told her friends, sincerely.  Although, not as great as, Devon immediately cut her thoughts.

“Rebound relationships rarely work,” Freya told her honestly.

“We’re not yet in a relationship. It’s just exclusively dating,” Devon reminded her friends.

“We just want the best for you,” Yen countered. 

Devon looked at her friends, they really looked worried about her.  She walked towards them and hugged them. “And I am super thankful for that.” She would’ve gone through everything, without her friends.  Her tears started to swell in her eyes.

The she heard someone knocking on the door.  “Illian’s here,” Devon pulled herself, wiping the tears in the corner of her eyes.  She walked towards the door and saw Illian, dappy as ever, standing outside the door. Devon motioned him to get inside. 

Freya and Yen greeted him, Devon went inside her room to get her purse. She looked at the mirror for the last time. She was wearing an off shoulder, red dress. They would be having a fancy dinner tonight.  Put on a brave face, Devon said to herself. Smile. She practice smiling and then left her room.

Devon said goodbye to her friends and walked with Illian, with his arm wrapped protectively on her waist. Illian was happily talking about his friends and work.  Devon responded politely, dropping a few funny comments and smiling at Illian.

He’s a wonderful guy, Devon, why can’t you just be happy with him, Devon looked at Illian.

They stopped in an Italian restaurant. Devon looked at place and felt panic. They were dining in one of James’ favourite restaurants. 

“We’re eating here,” Devon asked Illian, her voice slightly wavering.

Illian brows creased, “You don’t want to eat here? We could look for another place.”  Illian started to rev the engine up again.

Get over it, Devon scolded herself. You can’t avoid everything associated with James. If you will do that, might as well, stop eating.  “No, it’s fine,” Devon smiled and looked at Illian. She started to unbuckle her seatbelt.

Illian looked at Devon.  He wanted to ask her something, but changed his mind. He unbuckled his seatbelt and immediately went out of the car. He escorted Devon out of the car and they walked inside the restaurant.

*****

James was quietly watching the cars passing by.  He and Allie decided to eat out tonight.  They decided to eat in one his favourite restaurants.  For the past month, everything has not been smooth sailing, as he thought everything would be. Allie has been getting on his nerves, and him on hers.

Allie would get infuriated sometimes, especially when he would insist on eating tuyo for breakfast. She would insist that it makes the whole house smelly, but James wants to eat the dried fish badly.  James could not remember how he started to like that kind of fish.  This past month, he also had a renewed fascination with Jack Johnson’s music. He kept playing the CD, over and over again.  Allie would sometimes beg him to change the music.

There are also simple things that he expects Allie would do, but she never did.  The other day, he asked for a back massage. Allie gave him a bit of it, but it felt different.  There are times when he would pinch Allie’s nose, expecting her to do it back. But she would just get irritated about it.

There is still something he could not place.

“What are you thinking? You’re quiet,” Allie asked.

James shook his head and smiled. I made this choice. “Nothing. I’m just thinking about the last time we ate here,” James feinted.

Allie smiled. “A long time ago,” Allie signalled for a waiter and then James saw her eyes began to open wide, looking shocked or surprised. 

“What?” James smiled and followed the direction she’s looking at.  A few tables from them, James saw her. Three months without seeing her. And here she is, looking exquisite in a red dress, red-hot.

Devon, James thought. She was looking so darn hot. James’ attention was shifted to the man who was helping her into her chair and smiling at her. James felt something hit his chest. Then this guy placed his hand on the back of Devon’s chair, trying to signal the other guys on the restaurant that this is her girl. Then something must have been on Devon’s face because the guy gently wiped her face.  His breathing became haggard and the first thought that came into his mind was, get away from her.

It took Herculean efforts for James to take his gaze away from Devon and her date.  He glanced at his plate at started to shift the food around the plate. Allie was quietly watching him. Quietly watching him.

Stop thinking about her, James thought. You made a choice. You made a choice. James lifted his head up and looked at Allie. Think about Allie. James smiled at Allie.  That smile seems to pacify Allie, since she smiled back and motioned for the waiter again.

Meanwhile, on the other end of the restaurant, oblivious that somebody was watching them. Devon kept on smiling at Illian, he was exceptionally sweet tonight. Instead of sitting opposite her, he decided to sit beside her.  He kept her glass filled, kept asking her if there’s anything else she wants, kept on giving her tissue to wipe her mouth. He kept asking if she’s comfortable enough.

“Illian, stop treating me as a child,” Devon retorted.

“I’m not treating you as a child,” Illian reacted.

“Yes you are. I can do things by myself,” Devon retorted.  She took a bite of the pasta on her plate. Illian got a piece of tissue and wiped the corners of her mouth, gently.

Devon sighed and smiled, “Stop doing that.”  She took the tissue from Illian’s hands and started to wipe her mouth, when she felt somebody was watching her. She lifted her face up and was met by the coldest eyes she could ever see.

Devon’s breath stopped, when she saw James standing a few tables away.  Looking at her. James was staring at Devon.

He’s alone, Devon thought. I bet Allie’s somewhere.

Allie went into the restroom and that was a good thing. She did not see the murderous look on James’ face when he saw the guy sitting beside Devon, gently wiping at the corners of her mouth.

He looks like he wants to kiss her, James thought.  Both of his fists were tightly clenched inside his pant’s pockets. 

He looks like he’s going to kill me, Devon thought.  Never mind him. You’re through. You’re done. Devon threw him an angry look and shifted her attention back to Illian.

James heard Allie walking towards him. He stopped staring at Devon and her date. His jaw was tightly clenched and he was breathing hard.  I have never been this furious my entire life, James thought.  He escorted Allie out of the restaurant.

Devon glanced and saw James and Allie, leaving the restaurant. She took a deep breath. She glanced at Illian who was busy sharing a funny story about a friend.  Devon politely smiled at Illian. Move on Devon, she silently pleaded with herself.

****

After dinner, Devon asked Illian to bring her home early.  She said that she has a headache, which she really has because of the seeing James. The drive was quiet. Illian kept looking at Devon, thinking if he did something wrong.

Once on the front of their gate, Illian looked at Devon, “Will I see you again?”

Devon was caught by surprise. “Of course,” she said.

Illian did not say anything.  He felt otherwise. Something happened in the restaurant, and he cannot say what it was.  Illian went of the car and opened the door for Devon. Devon started to walk towards the gate of her apartment, when Illian caught her elbow.

Just this once, Illian thought. He pulled Devon towards him and kissed her on her lips.

Devon did not pull away. Just this once, Devon thought. But on her mind, she saw a different man. Illian ended the kiss, Devon pulled away. They knew. Both of them knew, they would not be seeing each other again. They might, but just to part again.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,”  Illian said.

Devon nodded and waved at Illian. She watched him as he got into the car and drove away.  She was about to get inside the house when she heard a voice behind her.

“Who is he,” asked a man who was hidden behind the shadows. She did not notice the car nor the man. Perhaps he has been there watching her the entire time.

“Mind your own business, James,” Devon retorted and started to get into the gate. James caught up with her and held her elbow.

“Who is he?” James insisted.

“A friend,” Devon answered.

“So you kiss your friends,” James angrily pointed out.

Devon looked at James angrily. “What’s wrong with you? Why do you care?”

James was unable to answer her questions. He kept asking himself why he ended up here in this place. Right after dinner, he dropped Allie off in her house and said he needs to go someplace else.  He was so confused, especially when he saw Devon with that good-looking guy at the restaurant.

He was furious, in rage. He needs answers and he would be getting them. He drove into Devon’s apartment and parked outside her home. He kept on debating with himself, when Devon and her guy friend pulled up in front of her home. Obviously, they did not saw him nor his car. He saw them, though. He saw them kiss. And seeing them did that, just made him more furious.

Devon shook at her head and shook his grip on her elbow. “Go home.” Devon turned her back at James and started to move towards her apartment.

“I just want to know how you’re doing,” James feebly answered.

Devon turned around and walk towards James. “I’m great. I’m doing fine. What else do you want to know?”

James turned red and angrily answered back, “I’m just concerned about you.”

“Oh, you’re concerned about me? When did that start James? Oh, I know, you can’t remember,” Devon answered sarcastically.  “What do you expect? That I would be crying over you for the last three months? Just like I did when you left me in La Union? Well, news flash. I’m getting my life back. I’m finally moving on.”

“Don’t make me sound so inhuman,” James answered back.

“James, when you got amnesia, you did forget about me, I accept that,” Devon said. “But you forgot something else. You forgot how to be considerate of other people’s feelings.  You dropped me like a hot potato. You made your choice, and I respected that. It’s time you respect what I do with my life, especially now that you’re no longer in it. ”

James was unable to answer Devon.  She looked at him.  She turned away from James and went inside her apartment.  Just a few steps more, she whispered to herself. Once the door was closed beside her. She cried.  She cried, all the tears that she held back for the last three months were released. And it was life floodgates opening.

James watched Devon walked inside her house. He turned and went into his car. You’ve made the choice James. He banged his hand on the steering wheel of the car and saw that his phone was ringing. Allie was calling. He waited until the phone stopped ringing, and then turned it off.

He leaned back on his car seat. Took a deep breath and started to drive away.

Both of them forgot something that night. Devon has never brought James back into her apartment after his accident. James never remembered going there before.

James found his way, on his own.

Chances (Chapter Sixteen)

XVI. Lost and Reborn

Time could either work for you or against you. It could either heal the wounds or leave a nasty looking scar that would make you feel the pain, over and over again.  Time could either be your friend or your worst enemy.

For Devon, it was neither. Two months after she and James parted ways, time was unable to heal her wounded heart.  But time helped her get numb.  She feels sad whenever she would see their photographs together, but she no longer cried.  She would feel pain when she hears Bren and Freya silently talking about James carefully trying not to let her hear, but she no longer cried.  She has been moving through her duties and work responsibilities, mechanically.  She’s fulfilling her task but she no longer feels triumphant.  She has continued her life, but the past proves to be difficult to forget.

For James, it was both.  In two months, there were snippets of things he would remember:  the death of a friend’s father, being promoted, or an old neighbour who moved away. It was random, and in those random images he would always see a glimpse of Devon in his memory.  Her smile, her laughter, even her tears. And in every random thought, he would feel a pang of pain on his chest.  Physically, he has healed perfectly.  Allie was also wonderful to be with.  But there would be times when he would feel that something was missing.  Something was not in its proper place.  He would shrug the feeling off, but it would come back, again.

And again.

And again.

Allie and James were in the mall and stopped on a record and video store.  Allie was checking the CD shelf, with James standing beside her. He was smiling at each of her comment about the recording artist, when something caught James’ eye.  He saw a shelf of animated films. He started to walk towards them. It was a weird assortment of films, but only one CD stood out. It was the first OVA of Bleach, aptly titled “Memories in the Rain.”

James took the CD out of the shelf and looked at it.  He remembered watching and talking about it.  He felt Allie standing beside him.

“You’re gonna buy that?” Allie asked, weirdly.

James smiled and nodded.  “I want to watch it again. We’ve watched it before. Your favourite character was Rukia, remember?”

Allie looked at James and shook her head. “I have never watched that before. Not even with you. I don’t even know what that show is about.”  She turned away and started to browse through the other CDs.

James looked at Allie. We haven’t watched it before, James wondered.  But I remember watching it with somebody and having a great time.  Could it be?

****

“Devon, you need to get out more,” Freya pleaded.

“I’m fine,” Devon insisted.  Freya and Yen will be attending a friend’s birthday party.  They were trying their best to coax Devon out of her pajamas and go out with them.  “I like to stay home tonight.”

“My gawd,” Yen countered. “You’ve been staying inside the house for two months.  The only time you’ll leave the house is when you go to work.”

Devon shook her head and started to munch on a cookie. “Not true.  I went out with you guys, the other night.”

“That’s not even qualified as going out,” Freya insisted. “We only went out to get dinner. And it was a take-out.”

“Still I went out,” Devon pointed out. And started to walk away from her friends.

She knows that her friends meant well, but partying is not her kind of thing.  Back in college, she would only go with them just because she does not want guys stalking her friends. But now, Bren would be with them, so there’s nothing to worry about.

Freya’s phone rang and she called on Yen, “Bren’s already downstairs with Ryan.”

“Are you sure, you’re going to be fine,” Yen asked Devon. Freya was looking at Devon guiltily.

“We can stay here if you want,” Freya asked Devon.

Devon started to shoo her two pretty friends, “I’m fine. Go and have a good time.”

Freya and Yen looked at each other, hesitant to leave. Devon started to push them towards the door.  The girls embraced Devon and kissed her cheek, “We’ll be back early,” Freya promised.

“No need to,” Devon answered back. “I’ll be fine.”

It was awfully quiet when the two girls left. Devon clicked the television on and started to surf through different channels. She finished the cookies in the plate.  She got up and opened the fridge looking for the rest of the cookies, only to find the empty wrapper. 

She was looking for other sweet stuff or anything with chocolate on it in the fridge, but she was unable to find any.  She pulled herself up and started to rummage the cupboards.  She hates it when she craves for something and there’s nothing at home to satisfy it.  In less than a minute, she changed into a pair of shorts and decided to go the convenience store nearby to buy the pack of cookies she wants.  Make way for the cookie monster, she thought.

****

James and Allie were seated together on the couch in Allie’s apartment. They were watching a very funny film.  Allie would laugh out aloud in very comic response that the characters would make.

James was holding the popcorn, when something happened on screen that threw them on fits of laughter,  James instinctively pulled himself slightly away from the laughing Allie. When the funny part was over, he went back to his original position.  Another minute later, they were laughing again and James instincts told him again to slightly lean away.

“Why do you keep doing that,” Allie asked.

“What?” James asked while munching on the popcorn.

“Whenever I laugh, you pull away,” Allie said. “Is it too loud?”

James shook his head. “I didn’t notice that I was doing it.”

They were again distracted by the comic antics on the television. They were again laughing hard and James slightly pulled away again.

“You’re doing it again,” remarked Allie.

James shrugged and noticed that he was indeed pulling away, but not too far away.  “Well I keep on thinking you’re going to hit me. You hit people when you’re too happy.”

Allie grabbed some popcorn and kept her eyes on the television. “I don’t,” said Allie. “I don’t hit people when I laugh.  Where did you get the idea that I do?”

James looked at Allie, “You don’t?”

Allie shook his head and was absorbed again on another fits of laughter because of the television.  But James was no longer laughing with her.  He knew and his instincts told him that when somebody laughs, he gets hit. Hard.  And then in his mind, he heard the familiar laughter, followed by loud slap.

He knew.  He knew it was not Allie.

****

Devon left the convenience store.  She bought a large pack of chocolate chip cookies, a chocolate bar, a chocolate drink and several chocolate flavoured candies.  Everything in her bag was chocolate and she would eat everything tonight. Whenever she’s not feeling to well, she would often drown herself in chocolates. It is best comfort food ever.  Good this is that she never gains weight easily. 

She was walking back to the apartment, she felt somebody was walking after her.  Devon glanced over her shoulder and saw a figure of a man walking behind her, fast-paced.  Devon doubled her steps and started a turn on the next corner.  She glanced over her shoulders again and saw that the big figure also turned in the corner, following her.

Devon broke into a half run. D a m n, she thought. She was surprised when somebody touched her elbow. She faced the man wildly, her fist already curled into a fist and threw a right handed punch.  It landed squarely in the man’s face.

The man started to howl in pain. Devon was about to run away when she heard the man complained.

“Why do you have to do that,” shouted the guy.

Devon turned around at looked at the man who was leaning heavily on the concrete wall.  He was holding something on his hand, while the his other hand was on rubbing on his face. Devon recognized what the man was holding.

“My keys,” she shouted, surprised.

“Yeah,” complained the guy. “I chased after you for two blocks to return this. Only to get hit on the face.”

“I’m so sorry,” Devon said apologetically. She started to walk closer to the man and was very surprised with what she saw. He does not look like any snatcher, or any guy that would make an evil plan.  He was tall and definitely good looking. But right now, he was flinching in pain.

“It needs some ice,” Devon said. “I think it’s going to swell, if we don’t put some ice on it.”

“Are you a boxer,” the man asked.

Devon tried to contain her laughter. “I actually just live there,” Devon said pointing her house. “We could put some cold compress on that.”

The man looked at Devon.  “Are you going to hit me again?” the man asked.  But the man walked with Devon towards her house.

Couple of minutes later, the man was sitting on Devon’s doorstep with an icepack on his nose. “How does it look,” the man asked taking the icepack away so that Devon could see.

Devon looked at the man’s pointed nose, “Everything’s fine. I don’t think it’s going to swell anymore.” Devon pulled away and watched the tall figure of the handsome guy sitting on her doorstep.  “I’m really sorry,” Devon said. “I thought you’re going to attack me or something.”

The guy gave Devon a sweet smile. “It’s okay.” He pulled himself up and gave Devon back the ice pack. “I need to go.  My friends are definitely wondering where the hell I am.  Thank you. ”

Devon nodded and took the ice pack.  She escorted him towards the gate, when he turned abruptly to face her. “I never introduced myself,” he said. He held out his hand, “Illian.”

She took his hand, “Devon.”

The man smiled and looked at her, “ That’s a very unusual name. I’ll never forget that.”

Devon smiled back at Illian. Illian went out of the gate and said goodbye. Devon saw him walking away, she waved, closed the gate and turned around.  Suddenly, she heard somebody knock on the gate before she was able to get inside the house.  She walked towards the gate and opened it. 

It was Illian. 

“Devon,” Illian said nervously. “Can I ask you something?”

Devon was caught off-guard. 

“I know we just met, and you don’t know me but will you go out with me, tomorrow night?” Illian asked nervously. Devon was surprised and was unable to give any reply.  Illian looked at her face. She probably has a boyfriend, Illian thought.

“Never mind,” Illian said trying to sound casual. “You probably have a boyfriend.”

Devon looked at Illian and shook her head. “No I don’t.” 

Illian looked at Devon, it was his turn to be surprised.

“But I can’t…” Devon was about to explain that she’s not interested in dating yet.

When Illian interrupted. “It’s okay. It was just a wild shot anyway. You just met me,” he laughed easily.  “Nice meeting you again.”  Illian turned his back and started to walk away.

Devon looked at Ilian walking away from her apartment’s gate.  Should I take the chance, Devon thought. You deserve to be happy, Devon.  She swallowed hard and heard herself calling out, “Illian!”

Illian turned around. “Tomorrow would be great. Just pick me up here at around seven. Is that fine?”

Illian smiled widely and nodded. “Sure, see you tomorrow,” he answered.  He waved at Devon again before he started to jog towards the corner.

Chances (Chapter Fifteen)

(Recommended music:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfOXJrn9vrw&feature=related )

XV.  Back at Square One

Devon was quietly sitting in the middle of a quiet church in Aurora Hill, in Baguio. James left her in La Union yesterday.  Even though alone, she decided to continue the trip and looked for a hotel room. Good thing is that it is now a peak season for tourists, that time of the year. 

Soon after checking-in a hotel, soon after her back touched the bed, she started to sob.  She cried until no more tears would fall.  She cried until her throat hurts.  She cried until she fell asleep, in the middle of the bed, with the raindrops softly tapping the window. 

Devon was dry-eyed when she emerged out of hotel room. She was composed, and the only evidence of her hard night was her puffed and red eyes which she hid behind her sunglasses.  She ate half of her breakfast, emptied out her coffee cup, and left the hotel. She traced her steps until she reached the church where she is sitting right now.

Unlike the Cathedral, this church was small in comparison.  It is far from the bustle of tourists. It was quiet and serene.  Devon was seated on the front pew. The sunlight was passing through the stained glass, creating dancing and colored lights on the church floor. 

Devon closed her eyes and remembered what happened in the same church six months ago. 

****

Six months ago…

Devon and James have been together for almost more than a year and a half.  And it was the best and happiest days of their lives. They have been together for more than a year.  Nobody could say it was smooth sailing.  Just like in any other relationships, they would often fight, but theirs would end in sweet moments and trying to make-up for the impatience and harsh words that they would say.

Pretty much a normal relationship, James thought.  Normal but sensational.

They were walking in the middle of Baguio, early in the morning.  They decided to spend the weekend in Baguio, to remember the month that they were in a “unlucky” Baguio trip which changed their lives forever.

They were walking hand in hand and absorbing the quiet morning. James looked at the woman walking beside him. He felt his heart swelling for the love for this woman.  He doesn’t know it was possible to love this way, or love this much. 

Devon’s simple gestures always get him off guard. Just the other day, a simple breakfast greeted him on the table. A packed lunch with a sweet note on top. Devon meticulously prepared it for him, dropping it by at his house, although her apartment was almost an hour away from his home. She showered him with love but never made him feel like a caged animal. 

James did not notice that he was squeezing Devon’s hand.  Devon felt the pressure and looked at James. She gave him one of those dazzling smiles, “Is there anything wrong?”

James smiled back and shook his head, “Nothing. I just feel so happy. Let’s go inside the church.”

They slowly walked towards a small and quiet church on the top of the hill. The early mass has just ended and people are leaving the church quietly.  The old parishioners would greet them with a smile. And the young couple would smile back. 

What a good looking couple, some of them would think. 

Once inside the church, they were greeted with the serenity of the place.  Something warm came over James and he knew. Right at the moment he stepped his foot in the church door. This is the place.  Devon took a deep breath at the same he did. James looked at Devon.  Devon answered him with a smile.

James pulled Devon towards the pews and they sat.  They were silent for a while. James was not letting Devon’s hand go. Devon smiled and pulled her hand away for a while to wipe away her face. 

James looked at his empty hand. James was looking at it and he realized something that made his stop beating and get hurt. 

James grabbed Devon’s both hands and looked at her.

Devon was caught off guard and was startled with James’ actions.  “What’s wrong, baby?”

James swallowed. “I looked at my hand when you took yours away,” James started without blinking.  “It was empty.”

Devon stared back pulling her hand away and looking at James’ palm, “Of course, it’s empty.” Trying to make a joke out it but she stopped when she James’ seriousness.

“It was empty,” James said. “And I don’t like it being empty.”

James grasped at Devon’s hand again and slid her fingers between his.  “Your hand can feel in the spaces so it won’t be empty again.”

Devon looked bewildered.  Caught off-guard.  She does not want to assume anything, “I will be with you, I will never leave you.”

James closed his eyes. He started to wipe his eyes dry and stood up, looking for something.  James picked something up from the floor, it was a rubber band.  James took Devon’s hand, “Will you marry me?”

Devon’s tears started to roll down her cheeks.

“Please, tell me,” James. “Will you marry me? Because  I don’t want to be empty again.”

Devon started to sob. James held her face in between in his hands. “Of course. I would marry you,” Devon answered.

James kissed Devon on the lips and hugged her tight.  In Devon’s engagement finger, James slipped and coiled the rubber band.  And they started to laugh, startling the birds on windows of the church.

****

Devon remembered everything, as if it just happened yesterday. The church has somehow changed into a sadder air. Devon got up from the front chair. She walked outside of the church.  It was bright and sunny day.

She walked a bit father before she took the phone out of bag and dialled a familiar number.  After a few seconds the phone started to ring.  When the familiar voice came on the line, she answered with voice trembling but with resolve, “I’m letting you go.”   After that she ended the call.

Devon was fighting back the tears and started to dial another number. “I’m going home,” when a female voice came online.

“Devon,”  Freya shouted. “Yen, it’s Devon!”  Devon heard footsteps.  “Where are you? We are worried. James is back in Manila already, since last night. But you were not with him.”

Devon paused for a moment, before answering. “He’s gone. I’m letting him go.”

“What?” Yen shouted on the phone. “Don’t tell me you’re giving up?”

“I didn’t give up,” Devon answered. “He made his choice and I wanted him to be happy.”

“Devon,” Freya started, but Devon interrupted.

“I’m fine,” she explained. “I’ll be fine.”  She ended the call.

I would be fine, Devon thought.  Then she took the ring off her finger and placed inside her pocket. It needs to get back to its owner.

****

James has just received the shortest call in his entire life.  He never knew that call less than ten seconds would have such a big impact on him.

I’m letting you go, Devon said. And then she abruptly ended the call. Not waiting for him to answer. 

Why is it then, that a part of him was feeling so empty, right now. James was staring at his phone for a long time.

“James,” Allie asked.

James looked at Allie. That’s right I have made a choice. But why is it that I am not that confident anymore?

And then sudden flashes came back to him again.

Small church.

Hands holding.

His hand holding a rubber band.

James looked at his hand. It’s empty, he said.  Allie called at him again. He closed his hand and started to walk towards her.

Chances (Chapter Fourteen)

XIV. The Fork on the Road

Less than two years ago…

James is gripping on the steering wheel tightly.  A few minutes after Devon left him on the parking lot, he gripped on the wheel and drove away.  Minutes later, with his knuckles white, he realized that he was parked in front of the building where Allie’s condo’s unit is.  The few minutes he was separated from Devon, felt like an eternity.  And he was not happy about it.

James placed his head on the steering feel. He knows that he needs to make a decision and he does not like making it. He does not want to hurt anybody, but not making any decision now would just make things worse. 

He needs a sign.  James closed his eyes. I need a sign.  It is now or never, James thought.  He went out of the parked car and started to walk towards the building.  The doorman greeted him and he smiled feebly.  James started to walk towards the elevator and pushed the up button. 

James knocked on Allie’s door. He could’ve used his key, but he didn’t choose to.  Allie opened the door, she was dressed and looks like she was about to leave.  “You’re wearing that to the show?” Allie asked. James was surprised with Allie’s question.  “Don’t tell me you forgot. We’ll be attending a fashion show, right? I’m thinking of working with this designer, and this is the best way to see his designs.”

James looked at Allie. We have been together for more than three years, James thought.  Do I really love her? Or do I think I just have to be with her?

Allie stood and watched James who was staring at her quietly.  “Is there something wrong?”

James did not answer. Allie continued to ramble on, “By the way, the invitations just got in.  They looked great. We could send it out tomorrow.  The chef is also not getting any better, we need to look for another one tomorrow. I think we should go to Baguio again to finalize things.” Allie turned her back from him and continued to fix herself in front of the mirror.

Baguio? Invitations? Chef? Is the universe trying to send me a message and I am just to dense to sense it, James thought.

Allie got her purse from the coffee table near the door. “Why are you just standing there? Let’s go.”

Allie started to walk past James, but James grabbed her arm and made her face him.  James then kissed Allie. He kissed her hard as if he is trying to find something.

Allie pulled away. “You ruined my make-up!” she complained and started to go back to the front of the mirror.

It’s not the same. There were no thunderclaps, no passion, James thought, not even love. Was I so blind not to see that all along?

“I’m not going with you Allie,” James said.

“What?” Allie turned and looked at James. “What do you mean by you’re not going? You have to. I made reservations for both of us.”

“I’m not going with you Allie,” James repeated. He walked towards Allie and held her shoulders. “I’m calling off the wedding.”

Allie stared at him, trying to figure out if he is making a joke.  She looked in his eyes, and she realized that James is not joking. “Is this one of your immature tantrums again?”  She brushed James’ hand from her shoulders.  “James if you are having cold feet, that’s natural.”

“It’s not cold feet, Allie,” said James. “Tell me, if I asked you not to go to any fashion show, would you listen to me?”

“That’s silly, James,” Allie answered. “I need to go to fashion shows, I’m a fashion editor and a designer.”

“I always tried to make way for what you want, Allie,” James answered sadly. “But you never met me halfway. You did not even try to get into my life. Cause you think that where I need to be is in your life.”

Allie’s eyes are now starting to get red.  “Is it why you are like this? You just want to get your way?”

James shook his head. “It should never be just your way, or my way. It should be ours. But you never get to see that, do you?”

Allie sat down and started to cry. “I knew, four months ago, when we met in Baguio. I knew you were different. I can’t place my finger on it, but I knew you changed.”

James sat beside Allie, “I found myself.”

Allie started to cry. “And I wasn’t there with you?”

James looked at Allie and held her hand. “You would always be great in my memory, Allie. But what we had, what we will have, if we continue the wedding, would not be as great.” 

“Is there somebody else,” asked Allie.

James did not answer but lowered his gaze. Allie started to cry more. “I knew it. I knew it. The way you look at me, it was different. I wanted to ask why. But I’m afraid to hear what you will say. It was not like before, when we started. ”

James stood up and looked at Allie. “I have always been different, but you never took notice of that. I’m sorry, Allie.”

Allie started to cry, “James don’t leave me.”

“Don’t lie, Allie,” told James. “I know you so much.  I know you knew that this day would come.”

Allie cried more. “I knew it. I knew it. I guess I wasn’t able to hold on to you tighter.”

James walked to Allie and whispered, “I’m sorry.” And then he left.

****

It was two weeks after James and Devon met on the parking lot. Devon’s brain has become uncooperative for the entire two week. He’s getting married soon, Devon, she told herself. Stop your nonsense.  She does not know that it was possible to meet and fall in love that quickly.  But I guess that there is always an exception,, Devon whispered to herself.

It’s already time to go home and she started to clean her office table. Devon waved goodbye to her officemates and started to walk outside of the building. Whenever, she would go out of that glass doors, deep in her heart, she would always wish that James would be out there. Waiting for her. Telling her that the wedding is off, and he decided to be with her.

Today is no different, and just like the other days, there is no James waiting for her outside.

Devon heavily walked towards the jeepney stop and hailed a jeep. She needs to forget. She needs to teach herself that waiting for something that would never come is martyrdom.  Her ride to her apartment was long. Traffic was bad.  But Devon does not care.  She did not even notice a black car parked near the apartment. 

Her landlady greeted Devon when she saw her opening the gate. “You have a visitor,” she said.

Devon was flabbergasted when she saw her visitor. The familiar figure was sitting on the chairs in the garden.  Devon thanked her landlady and walked towards the man. “How did you know where I live?”

“I pulled a few strings,” explained James. “It took me a week to find you. I have to think about you for another week.  So it took me two weeks before I actually thought of going here.”

Devon was looking at James, “What do you want? Is your fiancée fine with the idea that you are visiting other girls?”

“I don’t have a fiancée,” James said.

Ah, so he got married already, Devon thought, her heart aching.

“I don’t have a wife either,” James said.  Devon looked at him surprisingly. “I called the wedding off.”

Devon could not find the words to ask him why. But James answered anyway. “I can’t marry another woman when I know I’m completely in love with you.”

Devon clutched her bag tightly.

“I can’t spend an hour with somebody, knowing that I’d rather have a second with you. I can’t kiss another woman, knowing that just holding your hand would give me more warmth.  I can’t spend my lifetime married, when I know that I let the right one go,” James said walking towards her. “What do you think?”

Devon felt her knees losing support. She held on the chair and answered softly. “I think you’ll be a great poet.”

James laughed and pulled Devon into his arms. “Tell me, will you be with me?”

“I can’t think of anything else,” Devon answered, hugging him tightly.

“I love you,” James whispered to her ear. “I never thought I would see you again.”

“I love you, too,” Devon answered back.  “Fate has other plans.”

****

The present…

James slowly opened his eyes, the brightness shocking him a bit. He glanced around and noticed that he is on Allie’s couch.  He may have fallen asleep immediately after getting into Allie’s house.  James stretched.  He dreamt of something, but he could not remember it.  But he knew that the dream made his heart felt heavy.

James sat down on the couch and ran his fingers through his head. He was thinking about the dream, trying to figure out what it was when he heard Allie walking into the living room.

“You’re up,” Allie greeted. “Let’s have breakfast. You did not eat anything last night.”

James smiled and went up. He walked into the kitchen at smiled.  “I’m happy,” James simply stated.

Allie smiled. She sat down on the dining table and pulled a chair for James. James started to sip on the cup of hot coffee when Allie spoke, “James do you remember why you called our wedding off?”

James looked at Allie. “Great way to start the day, huh,” James said sarcastically.

“I just want to know,” Allie asked persistently.

“No,” James answered curtly. “And I think that it is not important.  That is the past.”

“I just want to make sure that you know what you’re doing,” Allie said taking a sip of her fruit juice.

“I made a decision,” James answered. He leaned over to kiss Allie. He kissed Allie, but was surprised to find that it was not that passionate as he expected. He was looking for a staggering kiss, but all he had was just, just a kiss.  

Instead he saw flashes of light and images.

He sat on his chair and looked at his cup of coffee. He saw himself walking inside Allie’s condo office placing a kiss on her lips.  Then he saw consecutive images.

Allie crying.

Hearing himself saying sorry and leaving.

Devon’s face.

He felt he was hugging her.

Devon calling him a poet.

“James,” Allie asked worriedly.  She saw James’s forehead crease after kissing her.  He was looking at his cup of coffee so intently, she felt her heart skip a beat. Did he remember something¸ Allie thought nervously.

James shook his head and held her forehead. He looked at Allie, “It’s nothing. I still have a headache.”

Allie stood up to get some medicine. James could not stop thinking and asking himself, what was that? Was that a dream or memory coming back?